Beck

Open the door

2008-11-28T17:13:00.001Z

Open the door
Slowly
Quietly
And step
Into yesterday
And glimpse
Child, small footed
Clomping in shoes too big
And heeled

Handbag clutched
And dragged
Across deep velvet
Carpeted floor.
Lipstick smeared from
Cheek to ear.

She grasps for handle
And pulls her child ways
Into today.

2008-05-13T18:29:00.000Z

This is mine.
Land of childhood beauty
broken only by roads blue grey.
I travel these
and remember.

Mirrored lake
reveals what make-up
and feigned independence hide
- a loneliness that aches,
insecurity and a tired, broken soul.

The truth touches,
transforms all once more
into beauty and honesty,
vulnerability and clarity,
hope and transparency.

Sipping tea and contemplating singleness

2007-10-28T17:25:00.000Z

I am sipping tea tonight and not doing anything in particular. Just thinking. It has been a while since I was last on here. This is partly because I have started a personal diary. When I first blogged, I told no one. I blogged, I wrote in order to sort out the thoughts in my head. Now a few people can read this and know who I am and that changes things. There is not the same openness - there is not a readership of one anymore. It is like when I was a teenager and my brother found my diary - from then on what I wrote was coded or I didn't write it down at all. I am an open person however with my friends, unless I am hurt. Then I revert into myself and hide, like a turtle in its shell or a hedgehog with its spikes.

I am learning a lot about being single at the moment. Reading books about being a single Christian - about who I am in God and it is a healing process. I have always been single and must admit to having struggled with this, especially when my sister and many of my friends got married. I have felt myself to be a lesser person because I didn't have a special someone. People often ask you when you are single; 'are there any boys you like?', 'what about.....?', say 'you'll find him soon' but maybe I won't and maybe, just maybe I will find contentment in my singleness.

With singleness comes freedom in some respects - I can spend my free time with friends, spend an entire day in pyjamas, sleep in a double bed stretched out and not worry about hitting anyone in my sleep, work at strange hours like 5 on a Sunday evening, go for walks on my own and meander around London on my day off without thinking about anyone else. At the same time, I need to check myself - to watch that I don't become selfish in this and that I also use this freedom of time to help others and build on my relationship with God.

I am not holding up singleness as the best way - I look at mum and dad, granny and grandpa, aunties and uncles, my sister and bro in law, my friends who are married and see beauty and companionship. I value their relationships and appreciate them for what they have taught me and how they have shaped me. I also see how hard marriage is - that it is worth the effort is without doubt but it is hard. Fact. I should rather be single than married to the wrong man. If it is God's plan that I am married then fabulous. If not, I imagine that I will continue to struggle occasionally but I need to build my life upon more than the childhood fairytale of a girl-boy 'happy ever after'. I need to build it on God and it is in him that I will find joy and peace.

So I am not so much 'living with' my singleness as enjoying my singleness. I am enjoying the freedom that it brings and the ways that I am being molded through it. A part of me still longs to be romanced and loved by a man but at the moment, I am enjoying being romanced and loved by God. He is romancing me constantly with beautiful walks, views, holidays, dreams, conversations with friends, words of encouragement and love. This might sound cheesy but it is true!

When I was little I thought that life began when you found the ONE and ended as in many films - with a wedding. I don't want to be waiting - I want to be living now!

Spontaneous combustion

2007-06-19T00:18:00.000Z

When I was interviewed for my present job, I was asked if I was a spontaneous person or more of a planner. At the time, I didn’t know so I blurted out something or other about being a mixture of the two. I have realised since that I am naturally spontaneous but have learnt how to plan when planning is the order of the day. I believe that this is because I am more driven by feeling than thinking. This can be a problem because I often find myself blurting out things before I have thought them through. The only exception to this is in a meeting situation. Then, I become very introverted and quiet. I annoy myself on these occasions and wonder why in certain contexts I can be so different. Perhaps it is the formal nature of meetings in general. The rules that govern them. The hierarchies that exist within them.

I find it easier to write down my thoughts than to express them verbally. I would rather send an email than phone someone. I use my blog to collect my thoughts. I sit at my computer and type and seeing the words, seeing my thoughts on a screen is a therapy of sorts. It clarifies things. I write not to communicate to others but to think – possibly because I am a visual person. I have always found comfort in words. Basically I am a geek! Having written all of this, it would seem that I am more of a planner than I thought in relation to communication. This makes sense because communication is all about conveying thought, words are a vocalisation of thought and as such are planned. When it comes to action however, to making choices and reacting to situations, I am spontaneous. I take joy in being spontaneous. Of feeling my way into jobs, places, days and events. Often in the morning, when I walk to work, I feel an urge to do something – to sing out loud, walk in zig zags, skip, run, hop and I do it (normally when I know that noone is around – I am not a walking, hopping, skipping exhibit!).

I guess there is a need for both in everyone’s life. We need order and formality. We need routine and rules but every now and again, we need spontaneity to break through and sometimes, we need to break a rule or two!

2007-05-10T20:48:00.000Z

I know you child,
better than you know yourself.
I love you child,
more than you could ever envisage.
I made you child
in my image,
for my glory.

You are beautiful, child.
More beautiful than the night sky.
You are strong, child
when on me you rely.
You are mine, child
- You belong to me!

You are loved, adored, known, safe,
understood, unique. You are my child.

Waiting on you,
with you.
I sit at your feet.

I haven't the words
to describe your beauty,
your majesty
so I bow down.

In the silence,
my heart and soul,
they worship you.

In the silence,
your presence
is love to me,
is life.

May my life communicate
the love my words cannot.

2007-04-04T13:35:00.000Z

Walking on stones.
Through people, past people to people,
I see:
A man outside the post office,
letter in hand,
Waiting.
Shops slowly open.

An alarm goes off.
Noone seems to notice but me.
Monday morning. Durham.
The cathedral covered in mist
- a grey ghost.
Legs red with cold
but I am happy watching people
living.

The river is high as I pass it,
walk under the bridge.
A branch flees past towards the town.
I go in the other direction,
up the hill and meet with cars.
They bend with the road,
heading for work or home.

Watching life happen, I smile and walk on.

2007-03-10T13:16:00.000Z

The weather has been so beautiful this week that I have been creating all sorts of excuses in order to venture out. Blue skies and gentle winds combined with music and a very, very wandering mind makes for a joyful time. Sitting in the office now, I wish that I had left my lunch at home or still had posters to put up in the church.

It is strange to think that on Tuesday, I was home in Cumbria. That on Monday, we were standing at Derwentwater’s edge and shopping in Keswick. My accent broadened as soon as we touched down in Keswick… don’t want to be mistaken for a tourist. I did not realise how much I missed the lakes until I was there and it didn’t rain (much).

Back in Purley now, I am content. I am growing to love this town, the people of Purley Baptist and my job and have just realised that I do need something from the shops so can go for a little wander and enjoy being out and about, even if the sky is not so blue anymore.

By the window

2007-02-27T22:01:00.000Z

I stood by the window,

saw the wind go

through the leaves

of the trees

in the garden.

Smiling at the world

I had seen through the pane,

I remembered again.

I stood by the window,

wished the wind to go

far away

not to play

with my soul

anymore.

2007-02-21T23:09:00.000Z

I hear the beat,
I sing to him,
I pour my heart,
Give everything.
My God, my love,
My all, my king:
To you alone my praise I'll bring,
To you alone I'll gladly sing,
To you alone, I'll give everything
For you are Lord,
Yes, you are Lord of all,
You are Lord of all

(hope that you don't mind me adding this Nayf - I love the words that you added to this and sing it often when I am walking to work) La la la la la la - a vastly content girl x

Walking home

2007-02-16T23:03:00.000Z

Today, as I walked home, I felt God’s presence so strongly. I was not expecting it – just walking from work, headphones on, reflecting on the week so far. And then it hit me. This feeling of God so near. It was not a gentle meeting. In the past, many of my personal experiences of God have been gentle, peaceful times when I have drawn on him and rested in him. This was powerful; it was sudden. God touching me here, now. God; The God; My God! It reminded me of the majesty and power of God and his closeness to me. It has been a true encouragement to me. I did not search today for an experience of God but God, my Father, Creator and Provider knew what I needed. Thank you God for reaching into the ordinary and revealing more of yourself to me.

2007-02-06T19:11:00.000Z

May my words be your words,
My thoughts, your thoughts,
My resting place you.

May my life be your life,
My joy, your joy,
My everything you.

May I know you,
May you be known through me,
May I rest at your feet.

Lord Jesus, gentle Saviour,
May I love like you.

Gentle morning rain as I walk

2007-02-02T23:51:00.000Z

Rain is beautiful, be it gentle droplets or hard, fierce downpours. I carry around an umbrella but I love not using it whilst everyone else is holding onto theirs with great determination. It is as though they would dissolve into a puddle if one droplet hit them. I like to put my head down and let the water drip down onto my face like a tiny waterfall. What I love most, though, is to look up and watch the drops falling. To feel them as they touch my eyelashes.

Rain still scares me though. I have nightmares about the flood even two years on. Not often but normally when it has been raining especially hard. It felt like a dream when it happened. The water entering our home uninvited. We never thought that it would reach so high. Piling sofas upon coffee tables and thinking that they would be safe; wading through cold, dirty water with clothing tied in bags and placed on our heads; boats going down our road. The mess that it left behind. All of this though is in the past and I need to move on and pray over any fears that I have.

I quite fancy buying some Wellington boots tomorrow and taking part in some puddle jumping!

A few beautiful things

2007-01-29T18:31:00.000Z

See
The flicker of a candle,
The early sun,
Dad crying at The Lion King,
Home.

Hear
Other people’s laughter,
Waves hitting Abersoch Beach,
A heartbeat,
Home.

Touch
Holding a child’s hand,
Letting sand filter between my fingers,
Pebbles smoothed by the sea,
Home.

Smell
Freshly washed laundry,
Home made biscuits,
Eucalyptus leaves,
Home.

Taste
Earl grey from my wide rimmed mug,
Drinking red wine with friends old and new,
Satsumas on Christmas morning,
Home.

I'm a public kinda girl

2007-01-17T18:22:00.000Z

Sometimes, I just adore public transport. Sitting on a train is so relaxing. I like to take my coat off and cover myself in it like a blanket. Sit with my back against the window and just watch life. I like it when the carriage is almost empty and I can place my feet on the chair opposite me and gaze out of the window. I like it when it is full of people and I can hear their conversations and learn from lives so different from my own. I find it quite amusing when people talk on their mobile phones, totally oblivious to me and the other twenty or so people who are listening or pretending not to listen. I especially like it when I catch the eye of a fellow traveller who has been amused by the same thing as me. Human connection is so important, even when you are surrounded by strangers. Especially when you are surrounded by strangers.

Last night, I bumped into two people who were not strangers at two different stations. I love meeting people unexpectedly. Unexpected people in unexpected places. First of all I met Peter Russell at Purley station. I was in my own little world, trying to buy a ticket from one of those machines that look so simple to use. I always struggle. Once ended up buying a weekly travel pass instead of a single ticket to Lewisham...anyway...bumped into Peter which cheered me up greatly and then spotted another non stranger at East Croydon. Did not speak to him because by the time I realised who had just passed me, it was too late BUT just seeing him brightened up my day. When the past touches the present, it is lovely. It reminds you of those special already been moments. Now I realise that the past is the past is the past and I am seeing it through rose tinted glasses but that does not stop rose tinted moments from being beautiful.

Oh yes and two minutes after arriving at a bus stop, my bus arrived. Have I mentioned how much I love public transport?

2007-01-16T15:21:00.000Z

Where is that compassionate soul?
The girl who wept at tears not hers
who now walks past the homeless,
pretends they don't exist,
that she doesn't care.

No longer wishing for mankind's goodness,
longing instead for diamonds, clothes, sophistication.
She lives her life fearfully,
waiting for death's fingers to touch her,
watching and trusting none enough
to show them truly who she is,
what she longs to be;
Who she was once upon a time
- a compassionate soul,
a girl who weeps at tears not hers

My name is Becca and I'm addicted to books

2007-01-15T20:33:00.000Z

Books. I love books. I love holding them. I love the smell of them (well unless they have been touched by substances disgusting - I had a note from one parent whilst I was teaching last year saying: 'Miss Thwaites, Winnie did not read this book last night as the smell of it was offensive. Please dispose of it') I can remember the first book I read independantly - 'The tiger who came to tea'. I can remember dad reading all of the Narnia books to Spud and I before we went to bed. I can remember the first book that I read to my first class - it was 'George's Marvellous Medicine' and I think that I enjoyed it more than the kids. Especially doing Grandma's voice.

Today I was reading a girly, historical romance and I realised how much my reading tastes have changed - have widened. Some may say however that reading historical romance novels shows that I have no taste.....At eleven, I read as many of the classics as I could lay my mitts upon. I lived in the world of Jane Austen and Thomas Hardy but at that age didn't understand much of the humour. I loved books about different times and my writing reflected this. All of my stories were set around the 18th and 19th centuries and involved little girls playing the pianoforte and sipping tea with the vicar of the parish. And I hated with a passion all things sci fi and non fiction. At 18 I moved on to more academic material. When we went on holiday, I would only take books that I felt proud of. Deep, reflective books. After university; after text book upon journal upon pontificating essay, my tastes moved on to mystery books - to Agatha Christie and Colin Dexter. Some nights when I was on my own in the house, I would get so scared, I would wait until I really, truly needed the toilet and then run there and run back - worried that I would find a murderer outside my door. I would check under my bed, in my cupboards, behind the curtains. And now? Now I love them all. I love the cheesy historical romances, the classics, mysteries, children's books and non fiction especially at the moment. I even pick up the occasional heavy, dusty uni book and read it for FUN. Right... back to Sir Richard Wyndham who has just rescued a small boy who, it turns out, is not a boy at all but an attractive heiress escaping an arranged marriage.

Just words

2007-01-11T23:29:00.000Z

I wish that I could make you cry,
that you would pity me my
childhood. Or smile
at the past's perfection.

I could pretend all this.
Write my past, my life anew.
That's what poetry can do
- isn't it?

Make mum an alcoholic,
dad victim of some incurable disease.
Myself abused,
a sister dead
- some car accident or other,
and my brother? In a foster home.

This would be a poem to move you,
reader.
Something to remember.
Your page folded,
a note beside:
'I can feel her pain'

Can you?
Really?
What do you know of me?

Only what I write on this page

Abersoch

2007-01-05T23:30:00.000Z

Abersoch. A beautiful seaside town in North West Wales. My home for two weeks a year for the past 14 years. It is here that I made many deep friendships, went crab fishing, did 8 water somersaults in a row and acted out some rather strange dramas. It is here that I invented the biscuit game which involves getting into the shape of a biscuit and everyone guessing which one you are. From this developed the poo and fruit games. Classics. It is also a place that I have felt so close to God. Quiet times spent on the beach at eight in the morning just sitting and listening to God's voice. Staring at His creation and realising that it is for me. He made it for me to enjoy. Real honest times of questioning, of being oh so angry. Understanding scripture - that Jesus is to me what the sheep was to Isaac. Also mourning the loss of my grandparents who both died when I was there. Seeing in others Jesus. The excitement when a child realises who Jesus is or asks a question. Abersoch. One of the many homes that I have had along the way.

Abersoch

My feet tread heavily

the beach wet and cool.

Sun above

wraps a body tired

close.

All still but the sea's

constant beat.

Beautiful.

2006-12-30T23:23:00.000Z

Oh beautiful home! Still in Carlisle for a week's holiday. Very different from visits home last year. Last year I was feeling low and exhausted and needed time at home to get back to 'normal'. Now I am so content that I can just be. Be with my mum, my dad, with family. Even missing Purley, my southern home. Will not dread going back this time.

Today is my brother Spud's birthday. Today was also the day that Saddam was executed. Very surreal to wake up to the news. To see the minutes before his death. To see his body. It was ugly, so evasive. I don't know how I feel about it all yet. Not that it matters - what I feel about it. A friend's uncle was beheaded in Iraq during the war. I cannot comprehend that. We can be so protected here. We are so safe. We watch on the screen the pain and the anguish of others. See children starving, explosions, disasters daily. When I say we, I mean me. I remember arriving in Bangladesh in 2000. The children on the streets, the housing, the sanitation. It was appalling. I was sickened. I remember the feeling of oppression as a woman in that country, of being a Christian. I also know that I do not do enough. That living with all of that suffering in Bangladesh and India daily made me immune to it. Or at least I allowed myself to become immune. I pray for more compassion and guidance in how I should act.

2006-12-26T21:01:00.000Z

Memories of what you were
do not reflect the truth.

I know that as I remember
wrongly.

Sentimentality.

The best things, even better now
it seems.

But reality is today,
all else the stuff of dreams.

Home, Christmas and flying

2006-12-26T19:54:00.000Z

I am home. Sitting in my living room, watching my siblings and sibling-in-law playing risk. Feeling vastly content after a meal of home cooked grub. Dad is no doubt upstairs on the computer looking at the Carlisle United website and mourning another game lost. Shame.

Yesterday was lovely. Spent Christmas morning at church dressed as a dog. Was very difficult to walk in as you cannot see where you are going. Was almost impossible to run in it but I did try. After church, headed to Portsmouth where we ate hot dogs on the beach and later had the traditional gluttonous feast.

Today, I flew home. Put on my angel's wings and started flapping. Well something like that! First trip to Southampton, first internal flight in England and first visit to Liverpool's 'John Lennon' airport. Gazed out of the window and saw all of the lovely clouds. Really do look like cotton wool - felt like I was in care bear land. No rainbows to slide down though!

2006-12-21T21:19:00.000Z

I have run out of clothes. At least warm, sensible clothes. Shall have to wear layer upon layer of summer clothing tomorrow. Or maybe I should put a wash on. Did my favourite part of Christmas prep today - wrapping up presents. Prefer it to the buying of presents as shops are so busy at this time. Also, you can sit at home and watch tacky films with a glass of wine nearby.

Spent today making popcorn cones and searching for non-microwavable popping corn and buying said popcorn and anticipating eating popcorn. Have mastered making cones out of A4 card. Just hope that the popcorn doesn't escape from the bottom. Have also done a lot of waiting for buses recently. Last night, waited for so long, could hardly walk my feet were so cold. Think I should start wearing socks! (not a hint that I want socks for Christmas)

Today we had the dress rehersal for our nativity play - good for a laugh. Involved me pinning 'fat' to father christmas, telling a giant cracker to stand still, attaching things to a turkey's backside and Joseph running offstage saying that he needed the toilet and missing out on the birth of his son. Hope that the real one contains similar moments.

Here is my only Christmas poem:

I used to wish for rubber bands,
so that I could flick them.
Now I'd like a candle
in the shape of santa.

Ok so it is not about the true meaning of Christmas...... here is one about Jesus:

As I gaze into your eyes of glory,
as you hold me in your arms,
I feel your spirit move within me,
and a happiness so divine.

You held me as I lay weeping,
when I felt so far from you.
A certain peace came down upon me
cleansing everything anew.

Thank you Jesus, thank you Saviour,
thank you for my soul's release.

Thank you Jesus, thank you Saviour
for your grace, your love and your peace.

Babies and brothers and brothers' girlfriends who are also friends

2006-12-19T10:53:00.000Z

A good week I think. All in all. Friday I babysat for a toddler - taught me an awful lot - the joy that can be had in holding TWO corn on the cobs at once, that babies really do laugh AT me, not with me, that I am getting old and am less of a dirty stop out than I thought, that bibs are quite useful, that nappies are more complicated than I thought, that baby gates are quite difficult to open when you are holding said baby and that actually, I am quite glad to hand babies back and don't want one at present. Was lovely though. Put the baby monitor on and checked it all of the time. Was also worrying about things like cot death. Was she sleeping in the right position? Had I put her nappy on correctly? Could she climb out of her cot?

Saturday I worked for an hour and then headed to a family do with masses of food in Cookham, Kent. Very nice - lots of hugs and chats and bad pictures. Then home with my brother Spud and his girlfriend and my friend, Rachel. We got lost. Very lost. We were heading to a party and I didn't have a clue. Managed to get there in the end and partied for roughly 15 minutes before heading home. Sunday was church and involved me organising pass the parcel with the whole church with forfits. Then Cape Cafe, our local hang-out, Jenny's for lunch, a bath, another service and mulled wine. Monday saw Spud and Roo leave after we had done some bonding in Ikea. I planned to catch up on stuff then but decided to make pancakes instead. Yum.

A poem for today:

Rain
Sky wet with rain,
heavy and grey.

Staring through the window,
waiting
I see:

Concrete, cold and dirty,
collecting puddles.

A girl on the pavement
catching drops on her tongue,
smiling at the sky.

Gushing lyrical

2006-12-14T22:34:00.000Z

Oh man, life is good! Had the most lovely day. Pretty ordinary but then I take joy in the ordinary. In fact ordinary is beautiful. Yay! Did an assembly today dressed as an angel. Involved me pretending to fly, singing (not at all like an angel would) and trying to climb an inflatable tree. Went back to the office to have birthday cake (mine - celebrating it a week and a bit in advance) and open secret santa presents (still dressed as an angel). I got a nodding pet. Presume it is from either Peter (our lovely minister) or his wife Wendy as their last name is Nodding - that makes me their pet! Made me feel very 'special'. Actually really felt blessed. Spent this evening at a meeting - lovely lovely - kinda a discipleship meeting. Peter Nodding danced with me - surreal but nice. Love it when you just meet with people and share. Love to hear other people's interpretations of God's word and see what He is teaching them. Love worship. Sorry - I am gushing aren't I?! Love to gush! I think that it is good to gush about God. Ooooh - just looked up 'gush'. Here we go:

spurt: gush forth in a sudden stream or jet; "water gushed forth"
flush: a sudden rapid flow (as of water); "he heard the flush of a toilet"; "there was a little gush of blood"; "she attacked him with an outpouring of words"
rave: praise enthusiastically; "She raved about that new restaurant"
effusion: an unrestrained expression of emotion
jet: issue in a jet; come out in a jet; stream or spring forth; "Water jetted forth"; "flames were jetting out of the building"

I love the words 'spurt' and 'effusion'. There we go - I am gushing about the definition of gush.

Anyway.......

Continuing to look at my old poems. I still love them (gush again) and know that at least Nayf likes them so here are a few more:

An elephant sort of song
Elephant dung, elephant dung,
Can be soft, does grow hard -
Elephant dung, elephant dung.
Put your hand in it,
Put your nose near it.

Elephant dung, elephant dung.
It can taste nice if you chew it
and if you are stupid.
Elephant dung, elephant dung.

Carpet breath
Carpet breath for everyone
from carpets not hoovered for months.
For if they do then I shall have
the sweetest breath around!
Carpet breath for everyone
in every town and city.
It's time to punish them
for breath that smells so pretty.

Carpet breath, carpet breath,
I really am obsessed.
Carpet breath, carpet breath,
I'm wearing a thermal vest.

Lining the walls with paper dolls
-Oh yes, it's a brand new day,
and I'm going to live it!

2006-12-13T18:19:00.000Z

I am feeling particulary clumsy. In the past 24 hours, I have broken two glasses (one containing lots of red wine), banged my head, slipped on my bottom all the way down my drive and managed to stand on shards of glass. Lovely! Bled like some sort of bleeding thing. Have always been clumsy but this has been a little over the top. Doesn't quite beat breaking my arm jumping over open sewerage (and incidently and indeed accidently falling in!)

We got a Christmas tree yesterday - truly lovely. Chrissy and I decorated it with baubles and little nativity figures. Told the nativity story to little toddlers this morning. Twas slightly crazy but lovely. Ended up with one kid running around holding a cow (well a pictoral representation of one) which was twice the size of him and children climbing all over the place. Thankfully noone tried to climb the Christmas tree.

Looking through my old poetry. More childlike than the rest and more likely to be surreal or just silly. Here are a few:

Big yellow feet
You know songs are finished when
the sentences end and so do they.
You know how old someone is
by the state of their elbows.
But noone knows why ducks
have big yellow feet.

I stood inside my head today
and painted it blue.
I couldn't think of a thing to say
but saw the world anew.

ZZZZ
A thousand years ago,
I fell into a well.
Now I think its fair to say
I really am quite bored.

2006-12-11T13:47:00.000Z

The grass greens itself
As I sleep my weary sleep.

Darkness bathes in darkness,
My feet walk the cobbled streets.
I see the world new every day.

My hands hold experience,
As I sit and gaze at life becoming life.

I hear words and they become me
I feel
They hurt,
They heal.

I am what I am,
Who I was ,
Want to be
And who others make me.

Living for a lifetime of tomorrows,
I continue on.
Yesterday's gone.

Double decker buses

2006-12-08T20:26:00.000Z

Right...well...move went well. Lovely new place. Moved in on Tuesday with help from my lovely aunt Jenny who had lost her voice. Meant that I was yapping away all day! After unpacking slightly, went to a friend's for pizza. Headed back with new housemate Chrissy. She was going to drop me off at a meeting and bang! As we turned into a driveway, a double decker hit us. Called 999. Police, fire and ambulance. Chrissy shaking. Me with my head at a stupid angle. Went into friend's house - where the meeting was taking place and we were given tea with lots of sugar. Many hours in casualty, given lots of drugs and having been read our rights by the police and having given a statement, we headed home. Me drugged up nice and proper - sleeping tablets and valium. Slept like a dream. Have spent the rest of the week with my head to one side as though constantly feeling sympathy for someone or something. Mum came down which was lovely. I am now preparing to go back to work tomorrow so getting there. Chrissy has back pain and has gone home to spend time with her family - the car is I think a write off.

What struck me however was how much God was looking after us. Chrissy's car was small. Double deckers are pretty big. If we had been going faster or had been at a different angle, it would have been a different story. The lady in the ambulance kept saying that someone was really looking down on us. God is good. He kept us safe and has shown so much love. I just pray that the bus driver is ok and that he does not loose his job.

One positive thing is that I now have a doctor - haven't had one since I left home at 18! They didn't have my records so I tried to give an accurate account of my medical history. Could have made all sorts up! Thought I was allergic to penicillin but mum says that that is blatently untrue. Oops. Also found my hernia scar - very interesting and have been given lots of conflicting advise about how to treat whip lash. I just stick to the advise that sounds the nicest!

2006-12-03T22:50:00.000Z

Apologies for the mushy post. Was how I was feeling then. Just momentary - had just heard that two close people were in hospital and was feeling far from them and pretty helpless. It is at those times that it would be so lovely to have someone there. Right at that moment. Right when you get that phone call. Am nearly back to normal now. As normal as Rebecca Jane Thwaites from Cockermouth town gets. Have a room of boxes - packing tomorrow and moving on Tuesday.

It was a baptism service this evening. Lots of lovely people getting baptised, including my lovely friends Ruthie and Anna. So exciting. Want to go through it all over again. It amazes me the different ways in which God brings people to Him. He is so creative (well duhhhhh!). For me it was a gradual but beautiful thing. Lots of moments in my life where he has romanced me and brought me closer. I first gave my life to God when I was six. Doubted that experience later on - thought that it wasn't possible that someone so young could have that kind of relationship. Was looking through my old school books recently though and found in a writing book from when I was sixish - a letter I wrote to Jesus. A prayer. Thanking Him for being my friend and just writing to Him as a friend would to a friend. I KNEW Him then. Truly. Think that that is part of the reason I believe so strongly in reaching out to children.

Recently God has been speaking to me through beauty - through the beauty surrounding me and through the beauty that I find in my friends. Through the children I work with. God is sustaining me through His word but is also bringing people to me when I need them. When I do feel alone. He has provided me with an Auntie and Uncle and cousins who have become my home away from home. A job that I adore. God is great! Right must go to sleep - lots of packing to do tomorrow.

2006-12-01T23:11:00.000Z

Longing to belong
to someone

For the loneliness
to fade,
to turn and walk away.

For the night to wrap
me safe.

Longing for peace.
For my ache to dissolve

into a sweet forgotten bitterness.

Indescribable babble

2006-11-29T23:01:00.000Z

Found a new house - result! How good is God? So good. Indescribable! Actually there is a song called that. Really like the song BUT it says that God is Indescribable and then goes on to try and describe Him. Anyway.....

Church meeting tonight - love any excuse to be in church. Just love Purley. Not saying that the entire meeting enthralled me but it's all good.

Really excited because my brother is coming to stay soon - yay! The ginger northerner will be here. He has lots of freckles - I once tried to count them all. Got bored. I treat him like an older brother because he is all growed up. He is two years and seven days younger than me. Dougal our dog likes him more than me because Spud walks him more. I just sit on the stairs and chat with him and if I do walk him, end up going on the swings and leave him outside the kids' play area gates. This poem is about Spud and I. It takes me back to living in Cockermouth. It reminds me of a time when I imagined that anything was possible.

In the garden

We dug for Australia,
me and my brother.
In the garden by the potatoes
growing
knowing
we'd get there one day.
Throwing
soil into the atmosphere.
Getting sweaty and dirty and tired.
Australia forgotten soon
as shovels hit stones
and the clouds began to weep.
We dug instead for lakes, dens, air raid shelters.

All ended the same,
each time the same:
our holes quickly filled with water,
running from the sky above
creating another blob of brown sludge.

2006-11-29T13:47:00.000Z

In the silence, draw near to the holy one
With joyful adoration, gaze into His face.
Listen to the father's voice as all else is forgotten
As His peace and His love and His all fill this place.

Let Him in
Let Him come
Let Him take your pain away
Let Him cleanse
Let Him comfort
Let Him build you once again
Make you strong
Make you smile
Make you sing and dance and weep
In His presence
Like a child
May you truly feel complete

2006-11-28T23:23:00.000Z

To

Smile everyday.
Find something new and beautiful
in that which always was.
Be easy with all.
Understand what was questioned,
Meet another on the road.
Sleep until you wake,
take joy in the ordinary.
Watch the day slip......

Find strength in the human form,
take refuge in solitude.
Be spontaneous,
wrapped in conversations magical.
Learn from those of pain.
Wait with patience

Continue in hope.

2006-11-27T21:09:00.000Z

How exciting is that?!!!!!!

Feeling joyful and Christmassy

2006-11-27T10:56:00.000Z

Monday, monday - I'm shattered! Had an interesting weekend - was planning to move this week to Purley proper but it has all landed on its face. Grrrrr. We had the switching on of the lights in beautiful Purley this week - this is organised mainly by the church but local businesses are also involved. I spent my time holding hands with a giant dog, giving out leaflets and getting very very wet. I felt all Christmassy. Sunday was lovely as usual. Taught at what is called 'sunday's cool' - genius use of an apostraphe! Also had a games afternoon for 'Host-a-night' - although more 'Host-a-day'. Twas lovely - we played a strange game called 'men are from mars, women are from venus', ate cake and scared my friend's cat. Someone vomited out of the car window on the way back but I don't think that it was the food. I wrote 'vomit' on someone's hand - maybe it was that.

I have not been looking forward to Christmas all that much this year - being away from home and feeling especially single with Emily married and Spud with the lovely Roo. BUT now I am. Truly. I can celebrate and worship Jesus. I need to change my focus at Christmas time and not get lost in the worldly stuff. How exciting is it that God, The God, the one and only God, the God of creation came and was human for us?! I will miss home. I will miss the peacefulness of home but I will feel peace and joy and I'm actually getting really excited!

2006-11-21T19:58:00.001Z

In this house there lives a girl.
In this girl there lives a fear.
Of who she is.
Of how others see her.
She hides.

In her heart there lives a God.
Who loves her.
Who made her.
Who knows her.
Who longs to take away all fear.

In this house there lives a girl.
In this girl there lives joy,
And peace
And a contented, restful soul.
Who loves the God that made her,
Who longs to know Him more,
Who lives.

Winter walks, family and me worries

2006-11-19T23:26:00.000Z

Another Sunday, another blog. Really beautiful day today - truly blue skies. We went for a walk in the woods today and it was so crisp and crunchy wandering through the leaves, squelching in the mud, stepping over fallen trees. We went back to my Auntie's house and had crumpets! I have started going along to the church Christmas choir - need to break through this fear of singing and just do it. Scared me. It was lovely because at the church, I do feel that I can be myself. It is just opening up to people and showing your weaknesses too. Sang alto (sp?) or tried - so hard to get out of singing songs as you have always known them. I get lost in what everyone else is singing.

Mum is gone - she came on Monday and left on Thursday - I miss her and the rest of my lovely family so much! Content here and have my Aunt's family who have been such such a blessing. Can't wait to see my Spud soon and give him a big hug. Mum and I were in London proper on Tuesday and managed to see the stars leaving the premier of Casino Royale - it is exciting when you see famous people. You feel like you know them so well because of the intrusive nature of the media. It is a strange thing - like you are part of their lives for a split second. You are part of that world.

I have been feeling inadequate this week - worrying that I am getting this job wrong - getting my focus wrong. So so want to get this right. Realise though that if I am focused on God instead of the job, everything will be clearer. I want to be God-led in my work. So easy to be me lead - to feel that what is needed is action, action, action when maybe this week and indeed the past two months have been about reflection and building the foundation for my work. Creating those relationships. Enjoying being around children. Feel as though I struggle with myself socially too - starting from scratch again with friends etc - its like I feel I need to prove myself. Say things when I would rather be quiet and reflect. Worry so much about what people think about me. Do not go up to people because I think that they don't really want to talk to me - do I annoy them? Am I too loud? Am I butting into people's conversations? Sure people think that I am confident, maybe too confident but inside I am scared - scared that people won't want me. I mean, I annoy myself, how must others feel? Am I caring enough? Grrrrr - but inside I know that my confidence should come from God. This sort of stuff just stands in the way, gets in the way. Get your act together, Rebecca Jane and sort it! Lord, help me I pray. Guide me. Thank you for bringing me to this place where I feel fed and nourished. May I nourish others. Amen.

Another me poem (untitled)

2006-11-11T02:01:00.000Z

This, a different sort of existence.
She rests less
yes
all is different.
A sort of existence.

Pools of substance sleep upon
fields,
velveteen green.

A tree bends,
grazes water.
Casts circles,
makes sense.

A girl takes from her movement
through the landscape of the world
all that she has seen.

Mondays, Sundays, peace and God

2006-11-06T11:14:00.000Z

I seem to be mainly blogging on a monday at the moment - I think that it is because Sundays are such a high in the week and so I like to reflect after them. It is also the beginning of the weekend for me. Feel so peaceful. Been cleaning this morning and loving it! Could quite easily become a housewife. Although possibly too messy! It's my mum's birthday today - missing her lots (and the rest of the family). She is coming to stay next week though so that will be lovely jubbly. The disco for church seemed to go well on Tuesday. Even managed to have a little boogie. Starting up a new group this week called host-a-night - basically a chance to meet up with people on a more regular basis. Man I feel so so much peace. A real calmness. Last night was all about Soloman's temple - made me evaluate worship; my worship more. Just noticed egg on my window from halloween - horrid, horrid, horrid. Had a beautiful weekend full of God answering my prayers - giving me people when I needed them - the right people. Providing an angel costume for me which fitted perfectly and was half price at a charity shop. Feeding me physically and spiritually. Three nights of fireworks. Giving me deep sleeps and blue skies.

Was watching the fireworks and they were stunning. Really really stunning. Then thought wow - what is it going to be like when Jesus comes again? Will we even be able to look? Fireworks are man made - what a difference when it is God made!

Zzzzzzzzzz

2006-10-30T23:19:00.000Z

Oh man oh man - I am so flipping tired! Not slept much this week. Grrrrr. Shall have to start taking herbal sleeping tablets again. Organising a disco for tomorrow - so much fun. Just hope that it goes well - it is instead of halloween - for children from the church. Moving house soon - Caterham is just too far out - if it is late at night, difficult to get home as the walk is quite dark. Met up with my cousin at the weekend which was lovely - slipped back into a broader cumbrian accent. We managed to do lots of London places - went to Oxford street and it was just manic - never going back there on a Saturday ever again. Bought some fairy wings for a saints and angels party on friday - was wanting to go as an ironic saint but seems too much effort and money - also want to look and feel girly - was going to go as St Cuthbert (cover myself in custard) - well it works if you have a lisp. Or St Francis with lots of soft toys stuck to me. Might still go as him. Rightiho - gonna go and try and sleep. Shall pop some herbal pills x

Purley

2006-10-23T21:18:00.000Z

Church - how great is church? Blooming great, that's what it is! God - how great is He? Flipping fantastic! Been praying lots recently (because I am super-duper holy!!) - because we've been doing a 24-7 prayer thingy and have just felt so filled with a sense of peace and such joy! Getting to know some wonderbar people too. Its only with hindsight that last year and all of the rubbish that happened there is made sense of. Had to go through it in order to be ready to do the job that I am doing now - God was building me up to prepare me for now.

Loving working with kids - so much fun. Loving working in an office too - missed that. You can go to the toilet whenever you want when you work in an office - can't when you teach.

So much sad news at Church at the moment - people involved in accidents, people dying and stuff. It is weird that it comes just as the prayer shop closes. The prayer shop was where 24-7 was held in Purley, just under our offices. I miss it so much now - it is strange to walk past it now and see lights turned off - it looks so empty. Really felt God there. Not that He is not in other places - just a real sense of Him there.

Poetic

2006-09-27T18:21:00.000Z

Really need the toilet so this will be a quickish post. Or maybe I should just go now. Na - short post. Had busy week - friend over for weekend and dinner party last night - very posh and middle class. Although bought Morrisons cheesecake for dessert. Lots of washing up but it was fun. Talked about dead animals and wierd things we could do and stuff. Tutored today which was fun - always learn something fun. Learnt lots about earthquakes and explored an Oscar Wilde poem. Love poems and seeing others grow to like them too. Here is one I wrote:

26.11.05
Walking there
Close the warmth behind
and begin.
Sun still to rise,
lights in windows
sparce.

Ready for another?

Feet take care
on paving frosted.
Eyes hit by wind
are torn.

Facing still a day untold.

Reminds me of the horridness of last year and yet it is quite a nice thing to read out loud - I like the feeling I sometimes get from just saying words that sound nice with each other. Anyway, after all of that, I am heading to the loo.

Caterham rocks!

2006-09-18T15:54:00.000Z

Well here we are. Well here I am, in sunny Caterham, getting settled. Started new job at Purley Baptist Church last week and just getting my head around stuff. Loving having my own office. Really loving the church too. Really not liking the daddy long legs though. Tried to kill one the other day, was getting so scared. Just imagining eating one by accident. Yuck. Got a big spot on my nose and so am feeling like a teenager all over again. Contemplating popping it. Contemplating sleep right now too. Last night we had a great meeting at church - its called the Ministry and it was very much alive and kicking. Have popped spot. Not looking too bad right now. Watched 'Truly, madly, deeply' this afternoon - did a bit of girly crying. Twas great. Anyway, gonna go now and possibly sleep - dreaming lots of dreams at the moment - loving it!

Visit the church website at: www.purleybaptist.org

Gretna Green

2006-08-24T16:14:00.000Z

Loving it! Just been to Gretna Green with mum, Spud and Roo (Spud's lovely girlfriend). It is truly truly great! Did the usual trying on of ginger wigs with tartan hats BUT this time, they had musical ones! Playing bagpipe music! Find myself trying to speak in a Scottish accent whenever I am there - tres embarrassing! Ends up being a mix of welsh, indian and well just plain wierdness. Especially embarrassing when I start doing it to Scottish people. Am orange again - more fake tan - never looks orange until you go outside and then grrrrr - orange. Watched a fantastic video pod last night at 3 in the morning - was bored - had a character called Greevil - because it was green and evil - how good is that? Oh yeah and have just had 2 bottles of Irn Bru - used to drink it all the time. Twas delightful. Matches my orange legs too - my knees being especially orange. I've been tangoed!

Rested

2006-08-19T09:12:00.000Z

Having a bit of a trip down memory lane - listening to a bit of Pulp and Blur - feeling all Britted up! I'm so cool, I skip school. Loving doing nothing at the moment - getting up earlyish, drinking gallons of tea, chatting to my lovely bro, concocting mixtures for tea that so far the family have liked - spaghetti bol with hp sauce, port, sugar, chilli sauce - yum yum! Just got an electric shock from my computer - must get some tape to cover the broken wire. Am surrounded by mess at the moment BUT my books are perfect - have ordered them by genre and love it. I love order and yet I am so so messy - really annoy myself. Sort it Becca, sort it!Rightho gotta dash - must chat to my folks - they have just come back from pew decorating, that great pastime! I am so sick of weddings, I would not help - how nasty am I?

Beautiful Abersoch

2006-08-16T16:43:00.000Z

Well, back from a Christian beach mission in Abersoch - two weeks of preaching the gospel, innit?! Very very exciting. Lots of lovely old and new children coming along - doing songs, games and crafts - one morning, we had them making clothes peg paralysed men - probably skip that one in future. Living with 30-something other leaders was also good - lots of laughs and lots and lots of biscuits and yummy food. Wedding went well - can't believe my sister is married. Had good old dance in the evening - barn dance. Back in Carlisle now and preparing for new job in London/ surrey - 9th Sept is starting date. Buying lots of children's cds and books and creating mayhem in the house with all my stuff in and out of different boxes constantly. Righty flo, best go. Smelling something good coming out of the kitchen.

Wedding mayhem, dogs and heat

2006-07-25T16:13:00.000Z

Well hello! Am I a hot sweaty beast or what? What is it with this weather? Just got back to the good old north of England and it is still hot - what is that about? So lovely to be back. Very busy though - Ems, my sister is getting married in four days - how wierd! Had my eyebrows waxed with ems. Have decided to turn into a plastic barbie doll. What a plan. Abersoch soon - lots of planning. Tis exciting. Spud, my bro is back from treking. Glad he is safe - I do worry about my little brother. Listening to a great track called Ganja farmer at the moment - you should check it out. Not my usual music. Reminds me of driving to school on summer days. Dougal is really hot (the dog). Love the sun though - it gives me a chance to wear my funky sunglasses - hot as! Well, this week I have mostly been packing. Not a good choice in the heat. Had horrid last day at school - kids so horrid (no change there then!) but at least it meant that I wasn't in floods of tears. Right, tonight is wrapping wedding presents I think and checking everyone is coming to the hen night. Be good.

Ps remind me never to get married - it is oh so stressy - grrrrrrrrrrrr. Want to kick emily or throw water at her!

Holidays are coming!

2006-07-08T22:55:00.000Z

Well hey,hey - I got the job! I am now going to be a children's worker in Purley. So exciting. Only two more weeks of teaching, possibly ever! Quite a busy time recently - school fayres, parent's evening, planning for the beach mission I help on. First weekend off in about two months - did some work today but mostly watched some tacky films, read in the bath and sang to myself. Should have been packing and doing all of those jobs that I have been saving up but they will keep. My room is a state. It is so small and I have so much stuff! My sister will be married this time in 3 weeks - scary thought! She better not have kids before me though. I don't want to be aunty becca before I am a mum. I want to have the first bump. Spud, my brother is in india at the moment, doing a bit of treking. Very jealous - not of the treking. Also wouldn't want to be there right this moment due to the monsoon but would like some Dehli shopping and a bit of mountain air! He is fantastic, is Spud. He looks like a lion (I think) and well, he is just Spud. I should put in at this point that my entire family are fantastic - not any favouritism towards my little brother, just stating a point in passing. So excited about the beach mission - it is in Abersoch - starts the same day of Ems' wedding to quinny boy. Been going for over 12 years and if you want to find out more, here is the website: (I love it, love it, love it)
http://www.abersochmission.org.uk/abersoch.html

You might just find a picture of me there! Oh the joys!

School - don't you love it?

2006-06-15T20:21:00.000Z

Well hello there! In the midst of writing reports and oh so bored! Due in tomorrow. Grrrrrrr. Should just write: 'your son smells'. Would love to. Won't but would love it so so much. Been through masses of interviews for this job as children's worker recently - had altogether nearly 30 people interview me. Never known so much about myself! They ask all these searching questions to find out about you and you find that you never knew the answers before. School is crazy at the moment. Will miss it. Love the staff and the kids. Just feel so incapable. My feet smell. Also have some kind of heat rash - very attractive. Lovely. Started singing bananas in pyjamas in the middle of a lesson today. We were peeling fruit and cutting it at the time and bananas were involved. Loved it. Was like living in a musical. I was like Mary Poppins, flowers suddenly grew from the carpet and we were flying, flying through the air. No drugs involved. True story. They cut lots of fruit and would not eat it. I ate lots and lots - lovely pears - 48p for a kilo - bargain. I'll tell you something for nothing - teaching is an expensive business. Right, must go and do nothing. No reports. Nothing. Shall pay for it tomorrow when I work like a whatever works really hard and regrets not doing it sooner. Politician? No - sorry - said works really hard, not says works really hard. Shall work like a disorganised teacher.

2006-05-30T13:08:00.000Z

Well, I am home and resting - half term - fantastic! Lots of sleep and reading and spending time with the folks. Loving it. Keep napping in the afternoon. Am turning into an old lady. Watching daytime television. Haven't got the knitting out but looking forward to it. Lots of lovely baths too - talking to myself and of course to the dog. Have watched a good film called 'Crash' - very thought provoking. About racism - not an easy film to watch - made me question myself but one that should be watched. Anyway, gonig to go away now and possibly do some planning for school - fun in a bun! This picture is of near to where I live - how lucky am I?!!!!

2006-05-14T17:54:00.000Z

I realised after blogging last night that the clock on here is out of sync so when I talked about having had a lazy day and the time said 7 something am, it was much, much later. True story. Went to King's Church today. Had a good old worship session. Love it. Sometimes worry though that when we are worshipping, I am not really worshipping - I sing along without really thinking about what I am singing or more importantly, who I am singing to. Talk was good - on the feeding of the 5000, emphasising the importance of community. Also had communion - have not done that for ages. Was truly lovely. Recently been feeling a lot closer to God. Not because I am actually any closer but because I have forgiven myself for something I have been feeling guilty about for ages - that guilt was keeping me away from God - I allowed it to if that makes sense. I just feel like a massive great big weight has gone. Legs still patchy but almost normal looking. Will not be long before I am pasty once again. Counting down to half term - two weeks to go - yippeeee! Also, only nine more working weeks before I finish at the school. Have interview for a post as a children's worker in Purley, Croydon. A new beginning. Saw an ugly dog today. Made me think of my Dougal who isn't ugly but is a dog. Here is a picture of him. He is my stair friend. I tell him everything when I go home to Carlisle - we sit for ages and I just go on and on and on and he just sits and gets bored. And I sing when I take him walking and noone in near. And skip. And make him sit outside the playground as I swing on the swings.

2006-05-13T14:51:00.000Z

Having an especially lazy day today - watching dvds and eating pasta and sleeping. All very nice. Went into London last night - twas lovely. Went to the National Portrait Gallery for the first time ever and thoroughly enjoyed it. Felt all arty and londonesque. Sat on the edge of the fountain in Trafalgar square and ate an ice cream. Not as many pigeons as when I was there as a kid. We went to see some bands in a small pub that I will never be able to find again. Enjoyed it - went especially to see 'The shorty blackwells' - very funny. Now contemplating more sleep and some reading. Days like this fill me with peace. Must do some work though - will do my usual and leave it all for after church tomorrow. Ohhh - here is a picture of a flower - it represents how I am feeling right now - all happy and pink (well still orange thanks to fake tan but now it has gone all blotchy and spotty and looks a little like freckles gone horribly wrong)

2006-05-10T19:57:00.000Z

School today - not teaching. Just catching up on paperwork and not getting through a whole lot of that. Managed to throw away an awful lot of paper - worsheets that I didn't use. Enough to make at least the branch of a tree. Here is a picture of my classroom. It is very nice and bright and key stage one ish. There is humpty dumpty sitting on his wall. Although it has all been changed around now thanks to the introduction of an interactive smart board. It is very smart and I love it. Wow - look at all the wires in the photo - there are even more now. Not all that safe really. Applying for new job today - children's worker in Purley - quite different from Woolwich. Shall have to posh up. Shall feel extra specially northern I think. Not that feeling northern is a bad thing - it isn't - its great. I love being northern. If you cut me in half, you would find 'northern' written on a small piece of paper I swallowed when I was 10, along with lots and lots of chewing gum, chewed up pieces of not written on paper (true story) and bbq pizza - have eaten pizza for 2 nights in a row. I also no longer refer to southerners as 'scum' (found it wasn't helping me make friends easily) Anyway, enough sillyness. I used some of this fairly new moisturiser that is meant to make you look 'sunkissed' and builds up into a natural tan if you continue to apply it. Not true! I now have orange legs. Very embarrassed. What is even worse is that my ankles are still whiter than white. Oh the shame! Think I will just stay pale and interesting (well pale anyway!)

2006-05-07T19:08:00.000Z

It is so hot in this room and I feel exhausted and yet I have not really done anything today. It is May and I have been living in London for more than eight months. This year has been difficult but has helped me to draw closer to God. I have struggled with why God brought me here (which I believe he did) when I feel so ineffective in my job and at times have felt so low. I think now though that his aim was for me to place my confidence in him - it is when we are weak that he can use us the best. I long to be closer though. I also worry about my motivation sometimes. Like this morning when I went to church, most of my thoughts were on a piece of eye candy that I admire and not on what God wanted to speak to me about, not on worshiping my living God. I think that all of these jottings are clear in two letters I have written to the good man upstairs. Here we are:

4th December 2005
Dear God,

I am finding this all so very hard at the moment and feeling especially pathetic and weak. I feel utterly useless. I pray Lord for your confidence and love. I pray that you will take my ripped and battered confidence and self esteem and use them for your glory. I do not feel as though I am doing any glorifying at the moment. I feel so very self obsessed and well just selfish. I am sorry, Lord. Please feed me and strengthen me. Rebuild me and make me a light triumphant not for myself but for you. That your love will be revealed through me. I pray that in school I can show those children that I am different. Give me patience and wisdom with them so that I can know what they need and provide it. Show me how to be involved in the church. Help me to deal with difficult situations. Give me a heart filled with joy and compassion. Yes lord, joy and peace. Oh Lord, I just feel so aimless and ridiculous. So tired and lonely and I know that I have you. You truly are my rock and I realise that this time is about drawing on you and relying on you. Teach me how to do that. I need to find an oasis of rest and peace. And Lord, I am not sleeping well. Please give me restful sleeps so that I can teach those kids to the best of my ability. And I pray for my children that you will meet their needs and that they will also be filled with joy. For all who are hurting that they will be comforted. For all of those lonely souls in London and all over the world that you will build them up and guide them in your ways. Thank you that I am your bride and that you think that I am beautiful. I pray for confidence in my relationships with men in general. And with other women too. That I will value myself.

I pray all of this my Jesus, my king to you for I know that you listen and answer. I pray this that your will may be done and your name glorified.

Amen.

March 2006
Dear beloved God,

I thank you that you hear our prayers. I thank you for your power and glory. You truly are in control and I praise you. I have been feeling so lonely and useless but I thank you that I am not useless in you. Firm foundation, keep me calm. Resting place, fill me with peace. Gentle Father, enfold me in your arms of grace and mercy. Just lord, correct my ways. Mold my life to meet your will and to glorify you. In desperation I have called and you have answered. You are my constant.
I pray Lord that you will provide for me a man to walk this journey with me. I pray for a man who holds you in his heart, who is faithful to your word. I pray for this man now that you will be with him and keep him safe. I pray that you will bring us together at the right point but Lord (and I know that this will sound impatient!) please can that be soon? I pray for my future children. May they know and love you and know the joy that I know in you now.
Thank you, holy King. Holy, Holy, Holy. To you be the glory, for ever and ever amen.

2006-04-25T15:17:00.000Z

Well, I'm not a very good blogger am I? Back from easter holidays and enduring school once again. Although not today - course today on teaching music. Lots of playing of instruments and feeling stupid again because I can't keep the beat and do a rhythm too. Unlike other women, I can't do two things at once. Perhaps I should have been a man? Learnt what canasta is too. pretended to be a conductor - great to be in control!

2006-03-29T17:59:00.000Z

Well here we go - my first blog. Loving it already. With bells on. Big shiny clanging ones. Feeling very not grown up. Had a water fight the other day. Turned into a lemonade fight. Writing in very short sentences. Think that it is because I am very conscious of my blogger virgin status. I have found myself singing out loud in class recently ( I am a teacher) - I just burst out in song. Becoming Maria from 'The Sound of Music'. Scary what teaching does to you. Scary to think that I am in charge of a class - all 29 0f them. Told a child to get lost today. Think I should be fired.