Oh beautiful home! Still in Carlisle for a week's holiday. Very different from visits home last year. Last year I was feeling low and exhausted and needed time at home to get back to 'normal'. Now I am so content that I can just be. Be with my mum, my dad, with family. Even missing Purley, my southern home. Will not dread going back this time.

Today is my brother Spud's birthday. Today was also the day that Saddam was executed. Very surreal to wake up to the news. To see the minutes before his death. To see his body. It was ugly, so evasive. I don't know how I feel about it all yet. Not that it matters - what I feel about it. A friend's uncle was beheaded in Iraq during the war. I cannot comprehend that. We can be so protected here. We are so safe. We watch on the screen the pain and the anguish of others. See children starving, explosions, disasters daily. When I say we, I mean me. I remember arriving in Bangladesh in 2000. The children on the streets, the housing, the sanitation. It was appalling. I was sickened. I remember the feeling of oppression as a woman in that country, of being a Christian. I also know that I do not do enough. That living with all of that suffering in Bangladesh and India daily made me immune to it. Or at least I allowed myself to become immune. I pray for more compassion and guidance in how I should act.

Memories of what you were
do not reflect the truth.

I know that as I remember
wrongly.

Sentimentality.

The best things, even better now
it seems.

But reality is today,
all else the stuff of dreams.

Home, Christmas and flying

I am home. Sitting in my living room, watching my siblings and sibling-in-law playing risk. Feeling vastly content after a meal of home cooked grub. Dad is no doubt upstairs on the computer looking at the Carlisle United website and mourning another game lost. Shame.

Yesterday was lovely. Spent Christmas morning at church dressed as a dog. Was very difficult to walk in as you cannot see where you are going. Was almost impossible to run in it but I did try. After church, headed to Portsmouth where we ate hot dogs on the beach and later had the traditional gluttonous feast.

Today, I flew home. Put on my angel's wings and started flapping. Well something like that! First trip to Southampton, first internal flight in England and first visit to Liverpool's 'John Lennon' airport. Gazed out of the window and saw all of the lovely clouds. Really do look like cotton wool - felt like I was in care bear land. No rainbows to slide down though!

I have run out of clothes. At least warm, sensible clothes. Shall have to wear layer upon layer of summer clothing tomorrow. Or maybe I should put a wash on. Did my favourite part of Christmas prep today - wrapping up presents. Prefer it to the buying of presents as shops are so busy at this time. Also, you can sit at home and watch tacky films with a glass of wine nearby.

Spent today making popcorn cones and searching for non-microwavable popping corn and buying said popcorn and anticipating eating popcorn. Have mastered making cones out of A4 card. Just hope that the popcorn doesn't escape from the bottom. Have also done a lot of waiting for buses recently. Last night, waited for so long, could hardly walk my feet were so cold. Think I should start wearing socks! (not a hint that I want socks for Christmas)

Today we had the dress rehersal for our nativity play - good for a laugh. Involved me pinning 'fat' to father christmas, telling a giant cracker to stand still, attaching things to a turkey's backside and Joseph running offstage saying that he needed the toilet and missing out on the birth of his son. Hope that the real one contains similar moments.

Here is my only Christmas poem:

I used to wish for rubber bands,
so that I could flick them.
Now I'd like a candle
in the shape of santa.

Ok so it is not about the true meaning of Christmas...... here is one about Jesus:

As I gaze into your eyes of glory,
as you hold me in your arms,
I feel your spirit move within me,
and a happiness so divine.

You held me as I lay weeping,
when I felt so far from you.
A certain peace came down upon me
cleansing everything anew.

Thank you Jesus, thank you Saviour,
thank you for my soul's release.

Thank you Jesus, thank you Saviour
for your grace, your love and your peace.

Babies and brothers and brothers' girlfriends who are also friends

A good week I think. All in all. Friday I babysat for a toddler - taught me an awful lot - the joy that can be had in holding TWO corn on the cobs at once, that babies really do laugh AT me, not with me, that I am getting old and am less of a dirty stop out than I thought, that bibs are quite useful, that nappies are more complicated than I thought, that baby gates are quite difficult to open when you are holding said baby and that actually, I am quite glad to hand babies back and don't want one at present. Was lovely though. Put the baby monitor on and checked it all of the time. Was also worrying about things like cot death. Was she sleeping in the right position? Had I put her nappy on correctly? Could she climb out of her cot?

Saturday I worked for an hour and then headed to a family do with masses of food in Cookham, Kent. Very nice - lots of hugs and chats and bad pictures. Then home with my brother Spud and his girlfriend and my friend, Rachel. We got lost. Very lost. We were heading to a party and I didn't have a clue. Managed to get there in the end and partied for roughly 15 minutes before heading home. Sunday was church and involved me organising pass the parcel with the whole church with forfits. Then Cape Cafe, our local hang-out, Jenny's for lunch, a bath, another service and mulled wine. Monday saw Spud and Roo leave after we had done some bonding in Ikea. I planned to catch up on stuff then but decided to make pancakes instead. Yum.

A poem for today:

Rain
Sky wet with rain,
heavy and grey.

Staring through the window,
waiting
I see:

Concrete, cold and dirty,
collecting puddles.

A girl on the pavement
catching drops on her tongue,
smiling at the sky.

Gushing lyrical

Oh man, life is good! Had the most lovely day. Pretty ordinary but then I take joy in the ordinary. In fact ordinary is beautiful. Yay! Did an assembly today dressed as an angel. Involved me pretending to fly, singing (not at all like an angel would) and trying to climb an inflatable tree. Went back to the office to have birthday cake (mine - celebrating it a week and a bit in advance) and open secret santa presents (still dressed as an angel). I got a nodding pet. Presume it is from either Peter (our lovely minister) or his wife Wendy as their last name is Nodding - that makes me their pet! Made me feel very 'special'. Actually really felt blessed. Spent this evening at a meeting - lovely lovely - kinda a discipleship meeting. Peter Nodding danced with me - surreal but nice. Love it when you just meet with people and share. Love to hear other people's interpretations of God's word and see what He is teaching them. Love worship. Sorry - I am gushing aren't I?! Love to gush! I think that it is good to gush about God. Ooooh - just looked up 'gush'. Here we go:

spurt: gush forth in a sudden stream or jet; "water gushed forth"
flush: a sudden rapid flow (as of water); "he heard the flush of a toilet"; "there was a little gush of blood"; "she attacked him with an outpouring of words"
rave: praise enthusiastically; "She raved about that new restaurant"
effusion: an unrestrained expression of emotion
jet: issue in a jet; come out in a jet; stream or spring forth; "Water jetted forth"; "flames were jetting out of the building"

I love the words 'spurt' and 'effusion'. There we go - I am gushing about the definition of gush.

Anyway.......

Continuing to look at my old poems. I still love them (gush again) and know that at least Nayf likes them so here are a few more:

An elephant sort of song
Elephant dung, elephant dung,
Can be soft, does grow hard -
Elephant dung, elephant dung.
Put your hand in it,
Put your nose near it.

Elephant dung, elephant dung.
It can taste nice if you chew it
and if you are stupid.
Elephant dung, elephant dung.

Carpet breath
Carpet breath for everyone
from carpets not hoovered for months.
For if they do then I shall have
the sweetest breath around!
Carpet breath for everyone
in every town and city.
It's time to punish them
for breath that smells so pretty.

Carpet breath, carpet breath,
I really am obsessed.
Carpet breath, carpet breath,
I'm wearing a thermal vest.


Lining the walls with paper dolls
-Oh yes, it's a brand new day,
and I'm going to live it!

I am feeling particulary clumsy. In the past 24 hours, I have broken two glasses (one containing lots of red wine), banged my head, slipped on my bottom all the way down my drive and managed to stand on shards of glass. Lovely! Bled like some sort of bleeding thing. Have always been clumsy but this has been a little over the top. Doesn't quite beat breaking my arm jumping over open sewerage (and incidently and indeed accidently falling in!)

We got a Christmas tree yesterday - truly lovely. Chrissy and I decorated it with baubles and little nativity figures. Told the nativity story to little toddlers this morning. Twas slightly crazy but lovely. Ended up with one kid running around holding a cow (well a pictoral representation of one) which was twice the size of him and children climbing all over the place. Thankfully noone tried to climb the Christmas tree.

Looking through my old poetry. More childlike than the rest and more likely to be surreal or just silly. Here are a few:

Big yellow feet
You know songs are finished when
the sentences end and so do they.
You know how old someone is
by the state of their elbows.
But noone knows why ducks
have big yellow feet.


I stood inside my head today
and painted it blue.
I couldn't think of a thing to say
but saw the world anew.

ZZZZ
A thousand years ago,
I fell into a well.
Now I think its fair to say
I really am quite bored.

The grass greens itself
As I sleep my weary sleep.

Darkness bathes in darkness,
My feet walk the cobbled streets.
I see the world new every day.

My hands hold experience,
As I sit and gaze at life becoming life.

I hear words and they become me
I feel
They hurt,
They heal.

I am what I am,
Who I was ,
Want to be
And who others make me.

Living for a lifetime of tomorrows,
I continue on.
Yesterday's gone.

Double decker buses

Right...well...move went well. Lovely new place. Moved in on Tuesday with help from my lovely aunt Jenny who had lost her voice. Meant that I was yapping away all day! After unpacking slightly, went to a friend's for pizza. Headed back with new housemate Chrissy. She was going to drop me off at a meeting and bang! As we turned into a driveway, a double decker hit us. Called 999. Police, fire and ambulance. Chrissy shaking. Me with my head at a stupid angle. Went into friend's house - where the meeting was taking place and we were given tea with lots of sugar. Many hours in casualty, given lots of drugs and having been read our rights by the police and having given a statement, we headed home. Me drugged up nice and proper - sleeping tablets and valium. Slept like a dream. Have spent the rest of the week with my head to one side as though constantly feeling sympathy for someone or something. Mum came down which was lovely. I am now preparing to go back to work tomorrow so getting there. Chrissy has back pain and has gone home to spend time with her family - the car is I think a write off.

What struck me however was how much God was looking after us. Chrissy's car was small. Double deckers are pretty big. If we had been going faster or had been at a different angle, it would have been a different story. The lady in the ambulance kept saying that someone was really looking down on us. God is good. He kept us safe and has shown so much love. I just pray that the bus driver is ok and that he does not loose his job.

One positive thing is that I now have a doctor - haven't had one since I left home at 18! They didn't have my records so I tried to give an accurate account of my medical history. Could have made all sorts up! Thought I was allergic to penicillin but mum says that that is blatently untrue. Oops. Also found my hernia scar - very interesting and have been given lots of conflicting advise about how to treat whip lash. I just stick to the advise that sounds the nicest!

Apologies for the mushy post. Was how I was feeling then. Just momentary - had just heard that two close people were in hospital and was feeling far from them and pretty helpless. It is at those times that it would be so lovely to have someone there. Right at that moment. Right when you get that phone call. Am nearly back to normal now. As normal as Rebecca Jane Thwaites from Cockermouth town gets. Have a room of boxes - packing tomorrow and moving on Tuesday.

It was a baptism service this evening. Lots of lovely people getting baptised, including my lovely friends Ruthie and Anna. So exciting. Want to go through it all over again. It amazes me the different ways in which God brings people to Him. He is so creative (well duhhhhh!). For me it was a gradual but beautiful thing. Lots of moments in my life where he has romanced me and brought me closer. I first gave my life to God when I was six. Doubted that experience later on - thought that it wasn't possible that someone so young could have that kind of relationship. Was looking through my old school books recently though and found in a writing book from when I was sixish - a letter I wrote to Jesus. A prayer. Thanking Him for being my friend and just writing to Him as a friend would to a friend. I KNEW Him then. Truly. Think that that is part of the reason I believe so strongly in reaching out to children.

Recently God has been speaking to me through beauty - through the beauty surrounding me and through the beauty that I find in my friends. Through the children I work with. God is sustaining me through His word but is also bringing people to me when I need them. When I do feel alone. He has provided me with an Auntie and Uncle and cousins who have become my home away from home. A job that I adore. God is great! Right must go to sleep - lots of packing to do tomorrow.

Longing to belong
to someone

For the loneliness
to fade,
to turn and walk away.

For the night to wrap
me safe.

Longing for peace.
For my ache to dissolve

into a sweet forgotten bitterness.