It is so hot in this room and I feel exhausted and yet I have not really done anything today. It is May and I have been living in London for more than eight months. This year has been difficult but has helped me to draw closer to God. I have struggled with why God brought me here (which I believe he did) when I feel so ineffective in my job and at times have felt so low. I think now though that his aim was for me to place my confidence in him - it is when we are weak that he can use us the best. I long to be closer though. I also worry about my motivation sometimes. Like this morning when I went to church, most of my thoughts were on a piece of eye candy that I admire and not on what God wanted to speak to me about, not on worshiping my living God. I think that all of these jottings are clear in two letters I have written to the good man upstairs. Here we are:

4th December 2005
Dear God,

I am finding this all so very hard at the moment and feeling especially pathetic and weak. I feel utterly useless. I pray Lord for your confidence and love. I pray that you will take my ripped and battered confidence and self esteem and use them for your glory. I do not feel as though I am doing any glorifying at the moment. I feel so very self obsessed and well just selfish. I am sorry, Lord. Please feed me and strengthen me. Rebuild me and make me a light triumphant not for myself but for you. That your love will be revealed through me. I pray that in school I can show those children that I am different. Give me patience and wisdom with them so that I can know what they need and provide it. Show me how to be involved in the church. Help me to deal with difficult situations. Give me a heart filled with joy and compassion. Yes lord, joy and peace. Oh Lord, I just feel so aimless and ridiculous. So tired and lonely and I know that I have you. You truly are my rock and I realise that this time is about drawing on you and relying on you. Teach me how to do that. I need to find an oasis of rest and peace. And Lord, I am not sleeping well. Please give me restful sleeps so that I can teach those kids to the best of my ability. And I pray for my children that you will meet their needs and that they will also be filled with joy. For all who are hurting that they will be comforted. For all of those lonely souls in London and all over the world that you will build them up and guide them in your ways. Thank you that I am your bride and that you think that I am beautiful. I pray for confidence in my relationships with men in general. And with other women too. That I will value myself.

I pray all of this my Jesus, my king to you for I know that you listen and answer. I pray this that your will may be done and your name glorified.

Amen.

March 2006
Dear beloved God,

I thank you that you hear our prayers. I thank you for your power and glory. You truly are in control and I praise you. I have been feeling so lonely and useless but I thank you that I am not useless in you. Firm foundation, keep me calm. Resting place, fill me with peace. Gentle Father, enfold me in your arms of grace and mercy. Just lord, correct my ways. Mold my life to meet your will and to glorify you. In desperation I have called and you have answered. You are my constant.
I pray Lord that you will provide for me a man to walk this journey with me. I pray for a man who holds you in his heart, who is faithful to your word. I pray for this man now that you will be with him and keep him safe. I pray that you will bring us together at the right point but Lord (and I know that this will sound impatient!) please can that be soon? I pray for my future children. May they know and love you and know the joy that I know in you now.
Thank you, holy King. Holy, Holy, Holy. To you be the glory, for ever and ever amen.