Well, I am home and resting - half term - fantastic! Lots of sleep and reading and spending time with the folks. Loving it. Keep napping in the afternoon. Am turning into an old lady. Watching daytime television. Haven't got the knitting out but looking forward to it. Lots of lovely baths too - talking to myself and of course to the dog. Have watched a good film called 'Crash' - very thought provoking. About racism - not an easy film to watch - made me question myself but one that should be watched. Anyway, gonig to go away now and possibly do some planning for school - fun in a bun! This picture is of near to where I live - how lucky am I?!!!!

I realised after blogging last night that the clock on here is out of sync so when I talked about having had a lazy day and the time said 7 something am, it was much, much later. True story. Went to King's Church today. Had a good old worship session. Love it. Sometimes worry though that when we are worshipping, I am not really worshipping - I sing along without really thinking about what I am singing or more importantly, who I am singing to. Talk was good - on the feeding of the 5000, emphasising the importance of community. Also had communion - have not done that for ages. Was truly lovely. Recently been feeling a lot closer to God. Not because I am actually any closer but because I have forgiven myself for something I have been feeling guilty about for ages - that guilt was keeping me away from God - I allowed it to if that makes sense. I just feel like a massive great big weight has gone. Legs still patchy but almost normal looking. Will not be long before I am pasty once again. Counting down to half term - two weeks to go - yippeeee! Also, only nine more working weeks before I finish at the school. Have interview for a post as a children's worker in Purley, Croydon. A new beginning. Saw an ugly dog today. Made me think of my Dougal who isn't ugly but is a dog. Here is a picture of him. He is my stair friend. I tell him everything when I go home to Carlisle - we sit for ages and I just go on and on and on and he just sits and gets bored. And I sing when I take him walking and noone in near. And skip. And make him sit outside the playground as I swing on the swings.

Having an especially lazy day today - watching dvds and eating pasta and sleeping. All very nice. Went into London last night - twas lovely. Went to the National Portrait Gallery for the first time ever and thoroughly enjoyed it. Felt all arty and londonesque. Sat on the edge of the fountain in Trafalgar square and ate an ice cream. Not as many pigeons as when I was there as a kid. We went to see some bands in a small pub that I will never be able to find again. Enjoyed it - went especially to see 'The shorty blackwells' - very funny. Now contemplating more sleep and some reading. Days like this fill me with peace. Must do some work though - will do my usual and leave it all for after church tomorrow. Ohhh - here is a picture of a flower - it represents how I am feeling right now - all happy and pink (well still orange thanks to fake tan but now it has gone all blotchy and spotty and looks a little like freckles gone horribly wrong)

School today - not teaching. Just catching up on paperwork and not getting through a whole lot of that. Managed to throw away an awful lot of paper - worsheets that I didn't use. Enough to make at least the branch of a tree. Here is a picture of my classroom. It is very nice and bright and key stage one ish. There is humpty dumpty sitting on his wall. Although it has all been changed around now thanks to the introduction of an interactive smart board. It is very smart and I love it. Wow - look at all the wires in the photo - there are even more now. Not all that safe really. Applying for new job today - children's worker in Purley - quite different from Woolwich. Shall have to posh up. Shall feel extra specially northern I think. Not that feeling northern is a bad thing - it isn't - its great. I love being northern. If you cut me in half, you would find 'northern' written on a small piece of paper I swallowed when I was 10, along with lots and lots of chewing gum, chewed up pieces of not written on paper (true story) and bbq pizza - have eaten pizza for 2 nights in a row. I also no longer refer to southerners as 'scum' (found it wasn't helping me make friends easily) Anyway, enough sillyness. I used some of this fairly new moisturiser that is meant to make you look 'sunkissed' and builds up into a natural tan if you continue to apply it. Not true! I now have orange legs. Very embarrassed. What is even worse is that my ankles are still whiter than white. Oh the shame! Think I will just stay pale and interesting (well pale anyway!)

It is so hot in this room and I feel exhausted and yet I have not really done anything today. It is May and I have been living in London for more than eight months. This year has been difficult but has helped me to draw closer to God. I have struggled with why God brought me here (which I believe he did) when I feel so ineffective in my job and at times have felt so low. I think now though that his aim was for me to place my confidence in him - it is when we are weak that he can use us the best. I long to be closer though. I also worry about my motivation sometimes. Like this morning when I went to church, most of my thoughts were on a piece of eye candy that I admire and not on what God wanted to speak to me about, not on worshiping my living God. I think that all of these jottings are clear in two letters I have written to the good man upstairs. Here we are:

4th December 2005
Dear God,

I am finding this all so very hard at the moment and feeling especially pathetic and weak. I feel utterly useless. I pray Lord for your confidence and love. I pray that you will take my ripped and battered confidence and self esteem and use them for your glory. I do not feel as though I am doing any glorifying at the moment. I feel so very self obsessed and well just selfish. I am sorry, Lord. Please feed me and strengthen me. Rebuild me and make me a light triumphant not for myself but for you. That your love will be revealed through me. I pray that in school I can show those children that I am different. Give me patience and wisdom with them so that I can know what they need and provide it. Show me how to be involved in the church. Help me to deal with difficult situations. Give me a heart filled with joy and compassion. Yes lord, joy and peace. Oh Lord, I just feel so aimless and ridiculous. So tired and lonely and I know that I have you. You truly are my rock and I realise that this time is about drawing on you and relying on you. Teach me how to do that. I need to find an oasis of rest and peace. And Lord, I am not sleeping well. Please give me restful sleeps so that I can teach those kids to the best of my ability. And I pray for my children that you will meet their needs and that they will also be filled with joy. For all who are hurting that they will be comforted. For all of those lonely souls in London and all over the world that you will build them up and guide them in your ways. Thank you that I am your bride and that you think that I am beautiful. I pray for confidence in my relationships with men in general. And with other women too. That I will value myself.

I pray all of this my Jesus, my king to you for I know that you listen and answer. I pray this that your will may be done and your name glorified.

Amen.

March 2006
Dear beloved God,

I thank you that you hear our prayers. I thank you for your power and glory. You truly are in control and I praise you. I have been feeling so lonely and useless but I thank you that I am not useless in you. Firm foundation, keep me calm. Resting place, fill me with peace. Gentle Father, enfold me in your arms of grace and mercy. Just lord, correct my ways. Mold my life to meet your will and to glorify you. In desperation I have called and you have answered. You are my constant.
I pray Lord that you will provide for me a man to walk this journey with me. I pray for a man who holds you in his heart, who is faithful to your word. I pray for this man now that you will be with him and keep him safe. I pray that you will bring us together at the right point but Lord (and I know that this will sound impatient!) please can that be soon? I pray for my future children. May they know and love you and know the joy that I know in you now.
Thank you, holy King. Holy, Holy, Holy. To you be the glory, for ever and ever amen.