Open the door

Open the door
Slowly
Quietly
And step
Into yesterday
And glimpse
Child, small footed
Clomping in shoes too big
And heeled

Handbag clutched
And dragged
Across deep velvet
Carpeted floor.
Lipstick smeared from
Cheek to ear.

She grasps for handle
And pulls her child ways
Into today.

This is mine.
Land of childhood beauty
broken only by roads blue grey.
I travel these
and remember.

Mirrored lake
reveals what make-up
and feigned independence hide
- a loneliness that aches,
insecurity and a tired, broken soul.

The truth touches,
transforms all once more
into beauty and honesty,
vulnerability and clarity,
hope and transparency.

Sipping tea and contemplating singleness

I am sipping tea tonight and not doing anything in particular. Just thinking. It has been a while since I was last on here. This is partly because I have started a personal diary. When I first blogged, I told no one. I blogged, I wrote in order to sort out the thoughts in my head. Now a few people can read this and know who I am and that changes things. There is not the same openness - there is not a readership of one anymore. It is like when I was a teenager and my brother found my diary - from then on what I wrote was coded or I didn't write it down at all. I am an open person however with my friends, unless I am hurt. Then I revert into myself and hide, like a turtle in its shell or a hedgehog with its spikes.

I am learning a lot about being single at the moment. Reading books about being a single Christian - about who I am in God and it is a healing process. I have always been single and must admit to having struggled with this, especially when my sister and many of my friends got married. I have felt myself to be a lesser person because I didn't have a special someone. People often ask you when you are single; 'are there any boys you like?', 'what about.....?', say 'you'll find him soon' but maybe I won't and maybe, just maybe I will find contentment in my singleness.

With singleness comes freedom in some respects - I can spend my free time with friends, spend an entire day in pyjamas, sleep in a double bed stretched out and not worry about hitting anyone in my sleep, work at strange hours like 5 on a Sunday evening, go for walks on my own and meander around London on my day off without thinking about anyone else. At the same time, I need to check myself - to watch that I don't become selfish in this and that I also use this freedom of time to help others and build on my relationship with God.

I am not holding up singleness as the best way - I look at mum and dad, granny and grandpa, aunties and uncles, my sister and bro in law, my friends who are married and see beauty and companionship. I value their relationships and appreciate them for what they have taught me and how they have shaped me. I also see how hard marriage is - that it is worth the effort is without doubt but it is hard. Fact. I should rather be single than married to the wrong man. If it is God's plan that I am married then fabulous. If not, I imagine that I will continue to struggle occasionally but I need to build my life upon more than the childhood fairytale of a girl-boy 'happy ever after'. I need to build it on God and it is in him that I will find joy and peace.

So I am not so much 'living with' my singleness as enjoying my singleness. I am enjoying the freedom that it brings and the ways that I am being molded through it. A part of me still longs to be romanced and loved by a man but at the moment, I am enjoying being romanced and loved by God. He is romancing me constantly with beautiful walks, views, holidays, dreams, conversations with friends, words of encouragement and love. This might sound cheesy but it is true!

When I was little I thought that life began when you found the ONE and ended as in many films - with a wedding. I don't want to be waiting - I want to be living now!

Spontaneous combustion

When I was interviewed for my present job, I was asked if I was a spontaneous person or more of a planner. At the time, I didn’t know so I blurted out something or other about being a mixture of the two. I have realised since that I am naturally spontaneous but have learnt how to plan when planning is the order of the day. I believe that this is because I am more driven by feeling than thinking. This can be a problem because I often find myself blurting out things before I have thought them through. The only exception to this is in a meeting situation. Then, I become very introverted and quiet. I annoy myself on these occasions and wonder why in certain contexts I can be so different. Perhaps it is the formal nature of meetings in general. The rules that govern them. The hierarchies that exist within them.

I find it easier to write down my thoughts than to express them verbally. I would rather send an email than phone someone. I use my blog to collect my thoughts. I sit at my computer and type and seeing the words, seeing my thoughts on a screen is a therapy of sorts. It clarifies things. I write not to communicate to others but to think – possibly because I am a visual person. I have always found comfort in words. Basically I am a geek! Having written all of this, it would seem that I am more of a planner than I thought in relation to communication. This makes sense because communication is all about conveying thought, words are a vocalisation of thought and as such are planned. When it comes to action however, to making choices and reacting to situations, I am spontaneous. I take joy in being spontaneous. Of feeling my way into jobs, places, days and events. Often in the morning, when I walk to work, I feel an urge to do something – to sing out loud, walk in zig zags, skip, run, hop and I do it (normally when I know that noone is around – I am not a walking, hopping, skipping exhibit!).

I guess there is a need for both in everyone’s life. We need order and formality. We need routine and rules but every now and again, we need spontaneity to break through and sometimes, we need to break a rule or two!

I know you child,
better than you know yourself.
I love you child,
more than you could ever envisage.
I made you child
in my image,
for my glory.

You are beautiful, child.
More beautiful than the night sky.
You are strong, child
when on me you rely.
You are mine, child
- You belong to me!

You are loved, adored, known, safe,
understood, unique. You are my child.



Waiting on you,
with you.
I sit at your feet.

I haven't the words
to describe your beauty,
your majesty
so I bow down.

In the silence,
my heart and soul,
they worship you.

In the silence,
your presence
is love to me,
is life.

May my life communicate
the love my words cannot.

Walking on stones.
Through people, past people to people,
I see:
A man outside the post office,
letter in hand,
Waiting.
Shops slowly open.

An alarm goes off.
Noone seems to notice but me.
Monday morning. Durham.
The cathedral covered in mist
- a grey ghost.
Legs red with cold
but I am happy watching people
living.

The river is high as I pass it,
walk under the bridge.
A branch flees past towards the town.
I go in the other direction,
up the hill and meet with cars.
They bend with the road,
heading for work or home.

Watching life happen, I smile and walk on.

The weather has been so beautiful this week that I have been creating all sorts of excuses in order to venture out. Blue skies and gentle winds combined with music and a very, very wandering mind makes for a joyful time. Sitting in the office now, I wish that I had left my lunch at home or still had posters to put up in the church.

It is strange to think that on Tuesday, I was home in Cumbria. That on Monday, we were standing at Derwentwater’s edge and shopping in Keswick. My accent broadened as soon as we touched down in Keswick… don’t want to be mistaken for a tourist. I did not realise how much I missed the lakes until I was there and it didn’t rain (much).

Back in Purley now, I am content. I am growing to love this town, the people of Purley Baptist and my job and have just realised that I do need something from the shops so can go for a little wander and enjoy being out and about, even if the sky is not so blue anymore.